shipwreck

Part of me is dying. The younger part that used to feel safe because it had never experienced the dangers of love. There's so much of me that wants to prop up more walls, to run away from here, to go and grab hold of everything the tempting world has to offer while I still can, to be reckless and find a thrill that will distract me from my own depravity. But I know that wouldn't fix anything. Part of me just feels empty, like it needs so much human love and affirmation, more than ever before. I crave it somewhere in the essence of me. Though I hate to admit it, I need to be told I'm beautiful, I need hugs and stories to share with kindred spirits.

I wanna be somewhere real and true. Sometimes I feel like life is running away from me, teasing me with hopeless dreams. In my pride I become frustrated with people in churches. People who are arrogant, people who are trouble-makers, people who are overemotional, people who are stupid, people who are lazy. People who are so needy. I want to feel I have it all together. But I am a broken person too. I am all of the above.

Our church is full of shipwrecks,

from every hull these rocks have claimed.

- Listener, Wooden Heart

I recognize my own bitterness and ugliness. I've shared that ugliness, my dreams and fears, and, while I know being vulnerable and trusting is supposed to be a beautiful thing, sometimes it's scary not knowing whether that vulnerability will end up nurtured or as just an open sore. I know I'm scared. I'm so young, but I feel so old and tired. I am naive and inexperienced but I feel bruised from life already. And I don't like the sides of me I'm seeing. I'm cynical. I'm not confident. I make myself annoying and unlovable to those I care for the most. I feel unworthy of love. And then my overactive conscience makes me feel bad for not being perfect. I crave authenticity. But that includes accepting the brokenness.

A theology of suffering.  A chance to rest our broken ships and feel it all. To let ourselves be humbled by the pain. To see that we share the same humanity. To see God's grace in the midst of our shipwreck.